Renesans —Thirty Five — living in 12

I have been 35 for 4 days now.

It’s weird — I haven’t been unsure about an age nor it’s celebration. I always am elsewhere which makes for an interesting solar return chart.

I assumed it would be my same signs being in the place I was born but actually your everything shifts. You become a different version of yourself each year.

I’ve become so many new people along my journey to this age. 34 I was employed in what I’ve done for a decade — finance related even longer.

Now — I am almost a year of being self-employed doing a myriad of things. I have met grief time and time again. For my Mami Tomasa in December, Tant Mata in February, a life I was slowly knowing I didn’t want but thought I was fine with living and all the supposed To’s that passed me by and I let pass by because that not my ride. How I see life isn’t how I used to.

Life has been a skydive. There’s fear, there audacity, there’s adrenaline, fall or flight depending on how you see it.

I am now an educator—creative writing workshops from adults to children. Crystal online business owner, tarot reader, astrologer, writer, now a sporadic podcaster and as I sit here finishing my real estate post licensing and learning this career as an introvert.

The 11th house is network, collective, community, people you meet and know 6 degrees of separation, friends of friends, colleagues from afar, social media, group chats. Net worth. The people around you support who you can become. Among other things. But i also think of look who you spend time with and they can define who you are kinda thing as it follows your home of legacy. Add Venus in there and it gets a bit tricky——to me anyway.

34 was a 7 year and an 11th house profection. Defined as a divine year but what it felt like was my screaming at the top of my lungs and hoping for a soft landing. Being ready to claw my way there. Many people see my gentleness and assume life has not ayuken’d my ass into often a KO.

Grief alone wears me down and tackles me. There has been a loneliness walking a path unfamiliar to few around me. Venus is in that 11th house and all the things people think beauty, love, blah…the other side to this depending on transit and other things is.

When you lose all the things you’ve valued —who do you become? What becomes the definition of value when all else is removed. The material gone. The physical gone. When all the places & people. I have attached to as my definition of self value become a spirit guide or an absence. I’ve been met with silences I have not found peace in.

How do I love a body that has responded to too much extraction of my own value?

It expands, it hormonally shifts, it tires from societal speeds that way heavier than my own weight. It is now that i feel emotionally regulated enough. My spirit less weary.

All was not awful but most was difficult. There has also been kindness, alignments, support, alternative meanings what truly is beautiful and meaningful in this life. Community will save me. It continues to do so. Opportunities come and sometimes when there are crickets — I have had to learn surrender.

35 is solid to me. After a tower year of unexpected ongoing heartbreak and confusion and blessings. I have moved back into my home body. I realize that having the moon there helps me navigate the behind the scenes within me easier. There is a flexible anchored feeling here. May this be the year of answers after my questions.

I feel more supported. Dare i say hopeful. After I have met the void the in between of life — I find myself in the ethers and comfortable that i am not alone in this path. I don’t always know who is going to meet me along the way but my softness is fierce and if I have lost a lot I have gained a wealth of experience.

12th house is said to be the house of undoing, subconscious, I will add spiritual guidance or confusion, sabotage or self comprehension, isolation or solitude. In my case spiritual baths are needed to not absorb so much of others energy. Dreams as well. Manifestation when you’re tapped in.

There isn’t clarity but there is a knowing and I am cementing that as a spiritual person — I’ve decided many of my paths and even if o take a detour imma end up where I have always been meant to. This time I’ll take the scenic route. No more speeding myself into hormonal imbalances and distress. In divine order what is lost is gained and hella better than ever imagined. Pivots and redirections can lead to the most beautiful experiences.

I think I let the general meanings of the 12th house like hidden enemies and isolation make me worry what it would feel like. But perhaps it’s me on the beach sitting in the sun, toes in the sand, receiving messages from the waves instead of doom and gloom. A lo mejor. It’s needing a alone time after being with everyone to decompress a little more often. Care to a body that has maintained me through it all and reminding myself we are together always.

I am to live a life of musings, romance, pleasure, alignment, and listening. I couldn’t do this before.

I may fall, falter, waver but I get up and I am talking all my spirit team and guides with me. I made it and I am so grateful.