"It's okay in the day....I'm stayin busy..."
Ignoring the internal reveries, preventing the nightmares of reality from reentering the confines of my soul.
Opening to the sunlight bursting through my windows.
So much to do, so little time to think of...Who?---Continuing to occupy my heart from realizing it is in synchronization with my brain; looking for the second palpitation only---Who?----could provide.
Forgetting this Him---As long as there is no moonlight.
"Tied up enough..so I don't have to wonder where is he."
Starting with the right foot on the bed forgetting...that there are only sheets and pillows. As I leave the comfort of unrest.
Our pictures. Blurred during the day. No attention given as I float into the tasks at hand. No break just charging onward...I am stronger today. Making plans to find myself...No longer drowning in my loss.
"So sick of crying...so just lately, when I catch myself I do a 180."
Creating the illusionist stage of happiness found. All smiles between the coldness left inside. The swollen eyes made up with eyeliner and mascara. Red lips could tell lies not even I can believe.
Best heels and dress. Dressed for success. For a split second, my eyes daze out into the darkness. I stop. Praying to Lord for strength , taking a deep breath and refusing to let sadness out in full force.
Until the evening comes...no plans?---everyone's busy? Being happy? Being together?
I am left...with...
No choice but to to look at OUR pictures at the head of what was OUR bed.
Looking at the picture of what was OUR dresser.
No choice but to enclose myself. Shut everyone out as my lipstick has faded despite the lack of hunger.
My sweats on and my soul unmasked.
The solitude my only companion. Not even the crickets fill the silence in what used to be OUR room.
The radio plays-all of me-damn you John Legend. Radio off. Soundcloud on.
The Worst-playing on my phone on repeat. Side effects of you keep me bone chilling.
The warmth, unattainable despite a blanket and covers.
"Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking That silent sense of content That everyone gets Just disappears soon as the sun sets"
Opinions falls like harsh winter everyone I have let in, judges.
A fool in love. Pitying the broken pieces left on the floor of what used to be OUR front door.
Truth becomes subjective....does it all depend?
The dark cloud returns. No light comes in, just the moonlight reminding me of what was and what is.
"If I was my heart I'd rather be restless The second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless This ache in my chest As my day is done now The dark covers me and I cannot run now"
Reality brings me to my knees. Curling up on what used to YOUR side of the bed. Keep me from having regular dreams. The face in my eternal desires continues to haunt me. The pain in YOUR eyes as you stormed away replays in my mind.
Going out at night. To escape the tundra in my bed. Partying halfheartedly a hazard to myself as my I search into the crowd for company. Leaning on my camaraderie. Yet even the parties must end. Everyone must go home. Not one able to remain long enough to fill the depth of my void.
As the moonlight pours in reflecting the lack of you in my bed. The lack of your presence to bring me warmth. A glimpse of yesterday no longer in sight. Fallen from cloud nine. And falling back into the realization that gravity hurts.
"His face in my dreams seizes my guts He floods me with dread Soaked in soul He swims in my eyes by the bed Pour myself over him Moon spilling in"
Holding hands in the night, as my heart seems to lay at ease, In my dreams. Love forever. All is well. Nothing has ever changed. I love you he says and I will return again. We make love until the dawn.
My alarm rings...and the light of truth echoes.
"And I wake up alone"
