The heaviness begins to set in. And the 12th house covers me.

What does 12th house mean — it is the home of spirit, hidden enemies, ego death(I added this one), subconscious, and being enclosed holistically, often times it has been the signification of someone being locked into a mental ward or imprisoned.

Today is filled with a purging. Usually Pisces is the end of a season or cycle whether it’s the season or a full moon.

I began the day hopeful, but now it’s a gloominess between a hurricane doing damage further upstate as a category three and my own inner discussion I question, I feel, I sit with the stillness and let it overpower me. Celebration of life but also the looking at of this one.

I continue to look for the expansion into a current a flow in the present. Looking into how I have entrapped myself and how the society I live in does as well.

Grief is a constant here in the US as a Black person. The crushing trauma of violence on a holistic level is heavy and consistent and unfettered.

Here I lean into my writing of this current manuscript and also leaning into disassociation it isn’t proactive or liberating to-be disconnected.

Where does one go when it is a season of shedding?—-into stillness. I again catapulted to a place of canals and starry night skies where being feels enough. May I be able to translate this further in a way that is tangible. That is living and breathing.

Once it all sheds something larger takes shape — may be ready as my birthday comes and this feels very different. A cocoon of sorts coming to embrace me. It is all blurry for now but maybe it is still beautiful.

1:11 am edit

Maybe blue tones (blurriness — auto corrected) leads to clarity. As I sat in the canal cruise of my mind letting the current pass I see where water can flow onto some of the caves within. How do we find joy, gratitude, and peace within grief?

I found it in knowing what hasn’t happened yet is on its way — very much alive and becoming proximate through vicariously living.